This One Is For The Girls

It’s been a few days since Women’s International Day, and here I am writing a post dedicated to that day. But you know what? It’s never too late to celebrate. I don’t view myself as a hardcore feminist, but I’m all about having equal rights. Like Mental Health Awareness, we have come so far since way back then in the old days, but we are still fighting. Here is a fine example of how some men treat women still to this day. At work my supervisor (male) said that he’s the only person on shift that can clean the garbage cans, seeing as how the rest of us are small women. B*tch, we may be short but don’t underestimate our strength. To be fair though I didn’t put up a fight since I didn’t want to clean the garbage cans anyways.

So without further ramble, I made a small list of the women (in my life) that I admire.

Mom since the day you first held me in your arms, you have been my hero. You may live the old fashion way by being a domestic housewife, but you worked so hard in giving me a second chance at life. You homeschooled me after school to make sure I didn’t fall behind. You taught me basic life skills that I didn’t learn growing up as a child. You taught me how to stay calm when everything is falling apart. But most importantly…you taught me patience and strength.

Lacy we have known each other for over ten years. I think at this point we are stuck together. We only met in high school, but growing up together I learned a lot from you. You weren’t treated very well by a few men you chose to be with, but look at you now. You never gave up being you and you are doing so great with a man that treats you well. There are days when I envy you, but I mostly love seeing how successful you’ve become. You and I have been through a lot of stuff together, but my best friend you will always be. You taught me to never give up and to keep loving no matter how many times you’ve been hurt.

Jessica we just met last year but it honestly feels like we’ve known each other forever. It’s crazy how parallel our lives are, right? When I look at you, it’s like I’m looking in the mirror. In so many ways, we are the same person. You are the true definition of somebody breaking the circle. You have your eye on the prize, and you’ll be damned if you let your past bring you down. I love how strong you are. I love how you are so unafraid to voice your opinion. People look at you and think automatically how cute and sweet you are until you open that mouth of yours. That’s what I admire the most about you…you are unapologetically you.

Mickey you are the little sister I have always dreamed about having. Thank you for coming into my life when you did. The instant bond we shared during last Christmas forever brings a smile to my face. It pained me to go back home. You have so much talent and youth in you, don’t let go of that. Keep being you. I’m so glad to have a sister like you. You admire me to keep bettering myself.

These four women have taught me so much about girl power. We don’t need no men telling us what we can or can’t do. We can do whatever we like. We are stronger than you think.

Till next time,

C

Do I Wanna Know?

Do I wanna know this part of me?

The part that cries at the snap of a finger because she’s still hurting from the past? The part that feels every emotion intensely? The part that is afraid to face her demons?

I’ve talked a lot about how great my sobriety journey is doing for my health. I don’t feel icky anymore and I’m a whole lot more energetic. I would say I’m losing weight but I’m not…at least not yet. I’ve been substituting my cravings for food. Word of advice…please don’t do that.

These days, I’m a lot more sensitive. Today at work my supervisor scolded me over a boo boo I did, and no joke I had tears welling up in my eyes. He wasn’t even being mean! My alcoholic self would’ve just rolled her eyes (behind his back) and continue on. However today’s version of me wasn’t about that. That moment reminded me so much of the little girl who I used to be. The one that cried over everything. For a while there with my excessive drinking, it felt like my tear ducts had dried up. Anytime I had the feeling I was about to cry, I couldn’t. Nothing worse than sitting there with that throbbing feeling in your chest and just not being able to cry.

Actually there are a lot of worse things than that…but you get the drift.

It’s truly amazing how there is so much more to sobriety than you putting a halt to your addiction. Without that certain thing you use to forget, you have no choice but to feel your feelings. I never realized how badly I leaned on alcohol to get me through the day until now.

Much love

C

Feelin’ Alive

Today I was sitting on my couch with my unwritten chapters in front of me and my cat doing her cat thing. In that moment, I realized how content I am with everything going on. I have my own apartment with no roommates. I have a cat that I love so dearly. I have a great job with a sweetheart of a boss. I have goals set that I’m working hard towards.

Who knew that I would make it to see this day? I’m so proud at how far I’ve come. Im not a huge fan of what I’ve did in the past, in fact I’m embarrassed by it. I hate what I’ve done and how I acted towards my loved ones. However, what’s done is done. If you ask me, I honestly think that no matter who raised me, it would’ve happened anyways. I have a soul that is wild and free, one that even I can’t tame.

That chapter in my life is now just another part of my story. I’m happy, I’m healthy, and I’m alive. That’s all that matters. I’m working on bettering myself even more. Each time I accomplish another goal, it feels like I slapped another gold star to my soul. I don’t need anyone to be proud of me. Yes, it’s nice to hear those words. But what’s most important is that I am who I want to be.

Moving to a new town all on my own was a huge step I took. It was terrifying as hell, but it brought me to this day. If I had stayed where I was, who knows what would’ve became of me. I was an embarrassment not only to my family, but to myself as well.

Sometimes you have to do that. Take that leap wherever it may take you. I’ve never been more excited to see what tomorrow brings me.

Somebody once told me I should keep a diary. I laughed at them and said I already do…it’s a diary I share with the world.

Much love as always!

C

She Is So Wild

It’s almost one in the morning, why am I still awake? Catching up on writing my book, that’s why. I’ve been stuck in this horrendous writer block for a few months now, I couldn’t figure out how to construct my plot. Strangely enough my session with the psychiatrist last week helped me. Who knew?

If you haven’t noticed by now, then I’ll be the first to tell you that I’ve changed my blog name a smidge. It’s been over a week, and I’m still unsettled from my appointment. Y’know, I spent so much time absorbed in this diagnosis, I created my whole identity around it.

“Hi, my name is C and I have Bipolar Disorder. Nice to meet you!”

Im not mad, okay I was. But not anymore. Right now more than anything, I’m just confused. I feel like I became so obsessed with this part of me, that I completely neglected so many other parts of me. First of all, I’m a writer. That’s a huge part of me. When I didn’t know how to voice myself, I would express myself through poetry. Though dark at times, that was how I was able to communicate. I’m somewhat an artist. I love doing yoga and going camping. My favourite colour is emerald green and my favourite sport is basketball. I’m not an avid fan, I just played it for about five years in school. All of that? I pushed that part of me away while I researched everything I could about this disorder.

When the psychiatrist told me his opinion, the first thought that popped up in my head was are you kidding me? Yeah, at first I was miffed about it. But now…so what? If I don’t have it…then halle-freaking-lujah. If I do have it, then okay. I will start treatment for it (again). But this time everything is going to be different. This time, I won’t forget about me. If anything, I think this was a wake up call I really needed.

Whatever the outcome is, my journey won’t be solely based on it. My journey will be based on life itself.

Cliche as heck, but I gotta keep reminding myself how short life really is. Because it is. You never know what tomorrow is going to bring you.

I have no idea where that random note of positivity came from, but gotta remember this is one in the morning me talking. Who knows what’s going on upstairs.

Much love, C

(Side note…I wrote this on my phone. My laptop was acting weird, so if anything looks weird…my apologies. I’ll fix it at some point.)

Liebster Award Nomination

liebsterawards

Today was such a bland, lazy Sunday. We all need those right? I was laying on the couch getting ready to nap when Kate (https://thecolourofmadness.com/2018/02/25/feelin-the-liebe/) nominated me for the 2018 Liebster Award for new bloggers! I am so beyond thrilled by this news! Like I always say, keep working hard towards your goals and the outcome will be beautiful.

LIEBSTER AWARD RULES

1.)Acknowledge the blogger who nominated your blog.
2.)Answer their questions.
3.)Nominate 11 other new bloggers to encourage them.
4.) Ask them 11 questions.
5.) Let them know you have nominated them.

Time To Get To Know Me More!

1.) What is your most treasured memory of childhood? Ooh, that’s tough one. Besides being adopted, it would have to be when my parents took me to The Enchanted Forest in Revelstoke. It was so magical and I felt like a little fairy.

2.)If you were a tree, what tree would you be and why? I would be an apple tree! We had an apple tree at the first house we lived in when I was adopted! I loved that tree so much.

3.)What is your preferred social media platform and why? Instagram because pictures. I love pictures.

4.)If you could change one law, what law would you change and why? Uhhhh. Hmmm. I honestly don’t have an answer for this one.

5.)If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make any sound? Of course. Life goes on even when you’re not around.

6.)If you were forced to change your name right now and leave the country immediately, what would you call yourself and where would you go? I would probably call myself Charlotte and move to England.

7.)If you discovered time travel, would you share your secret with the world? Why? Heck no. If I did, almost everybody would start time traveling and probably tamper with the timeline. I only want to time travel to hang out with the dinosaurs.

8.)What was your reason for starting a blog? Has the reason changed over time? I originally wanted to post my poetry on my blog, but one day I had to vent and from there I’ve been talking about how exciting my life is.

9.)If your blog suddenly went viral overnight, how would you feel about that? I would cry. That would literally be my dream come true.

10.)Who would you choose to play you in a movie about your life? Ooh that is a great question! Hmmm, I think I would choose Abigail Breslin. I absolutely love her.

11.)If you had a pet parrot, what word would it be most likely to learn? Probably my cats meow.

Here Are My Nominations!

1.) https://thisgirlsgotcurves.wordpress.com/
2.) http://girlyousocrazy.com/blog/
3.) https://crazylittlethingssite.wordpress.com/
4.) https://cantadult885139059.wordpress.com/
5.) https://coffeeandlithium.wordpress.com/
6.) https://stacyjordan24.wordpress.com/
7.) https://robynsanxietyblog.wordpress.com/
8.) https://sunshinyshowers.wordpress.com/
9.) https://toaspieornottoaspie.wordpress.com/
10.) https://mentalhealthathome.wordpress.com/
11.) https://heartandwolf.wordpress.com/

Congratulations everybody! You all have amazing blogs and I enjoy reading every single one of them! It’s too bad I couldn’t list more! Okay, enough rambling. Here is the fun part…it’s now YOUR turn to answer my questions.

1.) If you were to own a prehistorical animal, which one would you choose and why?
2.) If you had the chance to go to school for free, what would you study to be?
3.) What movie do you not want to see a remake of?
4.) Would you rather live way back in the past or in the future…and why?
5.) What moment of your life do you wish you could relive forever?
6.) If you had to perform your least favourite song on stage, what song would it be?
7.) If you were to give your best friend a pet name instead of a person name, what would it be?
8.) What do you think you are much better at than you actually are?
9.) If mythical creatures existed, which group would you hang out with? Which group do you think would be the A List group?
10.) What are you interested in that most people aren’t?
11.) What TV show character would it be the most fun to change places with for a week and why?

Thank you again Kate of The Colour Of Madness for nominating me for this awesome award! I am super excited about this amazing opportunity!

THE OFFICIAL RULES OF THE LIEBSTER AWARD 2018
1.) The winning blog wins a prize. Each blog gets one entry. To enter you must-
2.) Link this blog post in your Liebster Award blog post.
3.) Create more questions for your nominees to answer (looking for unique and creative ones.)
4.) Entries start January 1,2018 and end on December 25, 2018. The winner will be picked on Decmber 31,2018.

Good luck to all of the nominees!

Much Love,
C

Wait…What?

I had a real interesting week, for lack of better words. I would’ve wrote something sooner, but I couldn’t find any words to express myself. Which is a shame since I’m a writer. That’s my skill, right? To form words into a work of art? Even us creativity masters have our moments when we simply can’t do anything.

It all started on a beautiful Wednesday morning. That’s a lie. It was very, very cold outside. I had an appointment with my new psychiatrist that morning. He is an older doctor, a very nice gentleman. I walked into his office thinking that I would leave with perhaps a prescription. I left with so much more than that. At the end of the appointment, he gave me his opinion, stating that he thinks that I don’t have bipolar.

Are you kidding me?! Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing more in this world that I would love than not having this blasted illness. It would be a dream come true. The fact is that deep down somewhere inside of me, I strongly believe I do have this illness. Of course, I am no doctor. I’m just a girl trying to make her way through the chaos life has to offer. But it explains so much. It explains those days where I feel like I’m flying high. It explains those days where I crash hard for no reason. According to this doctor, everybody has those days. It’s simply called the good and bad days. I’m at a loss for words.

Even though I strongly believe I have it, what if I don’t have it? There is a chance that the past ten years of my life have been a lie. I don’t know how to feel about that. Most people when they find out they’ve been living a lie feel anger. I don’t feel that. If anything I feel confusion. I feel so uncertain about everything right now. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

I know what you’re all thinking. What does he think I have? Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I was diagnosed with this a LONG time ago. It’s a no brainer that I have it with the amount of drugs and alcohol my birth mother consumed. Sadly, it’s also a very common diagnosis these days. When I told my psychiatrist that I have FAS, he nodded his head and said that it explains a lot of my behavioral changes. Do you see now why I feel so uncertain about everything? When you think about it, he could be telling the truth. It may just be my FAS doing it’s thing.

There is no definite answer right now. I have a mood chart to fill out and a follow up appointment late March. Till then I’ve got enough time to do some figuring out.

Much Love,
C

Sixty Days

Sixty days ago I had my last alcoholic drink. Sixty days ago I made a change to improve my health. Sixty days ago I made a choice to face my demons. Sixty days I hung up my title of being a wild child. Sixty days ago I made the decision to live a sober life.

The other day my sobriety tracker sent me a notification saying that I reached a new milestone. Thinking I was only at six weeks, I was flabbergasted to read the words sixty days. I actually managed to stay sober for sixty days all on my own.

You see, a few years ago I was living in a youth homeless shelter. It was a scary time of my life. I was so messed up from how bad my mental health was that I simply lost everything. During my stay there, none of us were allowed to drink. If we broke those rules, we would get kicked out. I went sober against my own will. I wasn’t ready to give up my bad habits back then. Heck no. They were the only things I had left to help me fight this war inside of myself.

I managed to stay clean for six months. Was that my length of stay there? Nah. I was at the shelter for about two years. That is how powerful addiction is. When you are not ready to give it up, it will eat you alive. I learned that other girls at the shelter would spend their afternoons drinking and spend a few hours sobering up before heading back to the shelter. You guessed right, I joined in on the fun.

I never did get caught. Maybe if I did, I would’ve gotten the wake up call I so desperately needed. Would it have helped? Probably not. As much as I wished I had that wake up call, I honestly don’t think it would’ve made an impact on my life. I would’ve found someway to keep feeding my addictions. Even if it meant pan handling for the next bottle while living under a bridge, I would’ve done it. As crazy as it sounds, I do believe my Guardian Angel was watching over me really closely back then.

You have to want recovery bad enough for it to actually work. It’s not a thirty day vacation from life. Well, I guess it could be. However, it’s so much more than that. You have to be willing to give up so much to rebuild yourself. It’s going to break you into little pieces. It’s going to chew you up and spit you back out. It’s going to leave you wondering at four in the morning if this is all worth it. The thing is, it is worth it. You have to keep wanting to go on. Somewhere deep inside of you, you have to find whats left of you to keep fighting. Because honey, let me tell you, the results are going to be beautiful.

Unlike my stay at the shelter, I made the decision to become sober all on my own. I did it for myself, nobody else. It feels pretty damn amazing to wake up every single morning with a purpose in mind. I have my bad days just like everybody else. Not to long ago I sent a text to my best friend claiming I was ready to throw my sobriety out the window.

He told me “Well, you made it this far…”

Once he said that, I knew I had to keep going. He was right, I did make it that far. I made it this far and I’m not about to give up.

It’s been sixty days, and I haven’t felt better.

Much love
C

Slow Down Baby

You know how I talked about January being such a drag for me? Now that February has made it’s appearance, my life did a complete 360. Gone are the days where I dreaded to wake up, here are the days where I can’t fasten the belt buckle in time on this crazy roller coaster ride of mine. How did I get here and where is this damn pause button?

The good news is that I got a job. Am I scared of having a repeat? Oh yeah. I begged the Universe to help me out with the situation I had gotten myself into, and I promised to myself and whoever was listening that this time things will be different. I will take care of myself and set the boundaries I need to set. If I could, I would stay home all day and work on my art and writing. However, my wallet says otherwise, and mentally, I’m unable too. Last week during group therapy I mentioned to my therapist that I had to reschedule a few appointments because I got a new job. She smiled at me and said that this was a good thing for me. She may not be my favourite therapist, but she knew that this was something I had to do. Despite the craziness going on upstairs, I’m the type of person that needs to get out and socialize. Being cooped up at home is not good for my soul.

I may not have a home office overlooking a pristine lake, but I do have a job that allows me to socialize and not feel so rundown after work. That is so important to me, that is all I ever wanted. I can go home afterwards and still have motivation to work on my next masterpiece. Sounds great, right?

Here’s the catch. You know how a huge thing with bipolar disorder is our impulsivity? Yup. I shouted yes to something that maybe I shouldn’t have. I can’t blame the person who helped play a role in this situation, but I am now doing direct sales for a company! Me, of all people! If you take away my mania, you will find that I am highly introverted. How on earth did I find myself in this mess? To be honest, I don’t have an answer to that. I just did.

Here is where the fun begins. I have a job, I’m doing direct sales AND I’m running this blog (along with my Twitter and Instagram connected to my blog). If this doesn’t smell like an episode brewing, then I don’t know what does. How am I even juggling all of this? It may not seem like a lot to a non mentally ill person, but to somebody who is battling an everyday war in their head…it is. Handling all of these activities may very well get to the point where I completely forget about self care. Which scares me. I really wish I could do all of this and be okay with it at the end of the day, but I can’t. I have to be okay with that.

Priorities, it’s a word I know but don’t know how to practice. Same with boundaries…wait what does that mean again? Right now, I’ve got to figure out what’s the most important to me, although I kind of already have that figured out. I’ve got to be extremely careful with the next move I make.

Much Love,
C

I Am Human

It’s a common mistake to get brainwashed with fear when you hear that someone has a certain mental disorder. You may have known that person your whole life, but when you hear those words, you suddenly forget their human too. Admit it, you know what I’m talking about. Your best friend confesses they have severe depression. A person you used to be so comfortable with is someone you’re not so sure you want to hang around with. It’s the sad truth.

Okay, I have Bipolar Disorder. A frightening mental illness that causes a lot of fear. I may have my highs and lows, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel other emotions. I feel the same excitement and sadness as you do. I don’t always fly high and sink down so low. That’s a common misconception with mental illnesses, and it’s a frustrating one at that. We are human too. We don’t feel our sickness every single day.

I’m keeping this post short and sweet. I’ve been coming across so many posts where people are emotionally hurt because people just don’t understand mental illness. If someone ever opens up to you about their illness, do your best not to walk away. Nothing’s changed about them.

Much Love
C

Are You Out There?

I have been wanting to write this post for some time now, but I could never find the right words to say. First things first, if you are religious of any sort, you may want to skip this post. I won’t be bashing any religion, as that is not who I am. However I will be talking about my own experiences and beliefs. If you want to continue on, then by all means go ahead.

Growing up, I was born and raised in a somewhat religious family. Our birth mother was (still is) very active in the church community. Our family was in complete shambles, but going to church was like entering a whole new world. It was something I never understood. It wasn’t the religion part I didn’t understand, it was the belonging part I never got. I remember standing next to my family in the pews looking around at the other church members feeling so lost.

When I was adopted, my parents asked me if I still wanted to attend church. I turned the question back at them asking if they went, and they told me no. I said okay, and made my decision to stop going. Even though I stopped going, I never stopped believing in a higher being. I had many sleepless nights where I would lay there, asking for guidance from whoever was listening.

You can only imagine with my wild upbringing, I had a lot of anger towards Him. I asked the same question any troubled child asks. Why me? I kept asking Him, and I never got the answer.

For a long time, I refused to believe in anything. In fact, it got to the point where I thought I was an Atheist. But I never stopped believing. I don’t know who has my faith, but I do believe in something. Maybe it’s simply my self conscious or a higher being. Either or, I find comfort in believing that there is something out there. In a crazy way, I believe it’s a form of grounding oneself. When the days get rough and the nights get long, I often find myself reaching out and somehow I feel more at ease. I feel okay, I feel like I can get through whatever life has recently thrown at me.

I may not currently be going to church, but who knows, maybe someday in the future I will. This is a part of me I want to continue exploring. A while ago I read a blog post by “Travis And The Brain” and wholeheartedly agreed with his view on life. There are three aspects to it…Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually. I’ve been focusing on my mental and physical well being for a while now, now it’s time for me to connect to my spiritual side.

If you read this, thank you! If you want to talk about your own experiences in the comment section, please feel free to!

Lastly, thank you for subscribing to my blog! It means the world to me!

Much Love,
C

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